A long time ago I was living my life on auto-pilot. I set goals and I achieved them, because that was what I was taught. I wanted a "normal life" with a house and a child, but as time went on it ended in sadness and then divorce. As I moved forward I tried to understand what happened and where I had made my mistakes, and then I came to realize that dignity lives in the power of choice.

After my first marriage failed, I went on a trip back to my homeland of Australia to visit my grandmother. While there, I was complaining about the sad marriage I had. All the faults I saw and all the complaints I had. This went on for an hour or so. My aunt so generously listened to my concerns. She put up her hand and said, “Well, you chose him.” In that moment, the world spun around me; the truth in her words came crashing down on my reality. Once I could see her point of view, I knew the work I wanted to do on myself would empower me and evoke the wisdom I was seeking to understand the why behind my choices.

It was at that moment I realized I had been playing the Blame Shame Game (see this article about Why did you spill your coffee?) on this in another post), blaming my ex-husband, for the misery that he caused me by being with other women throughout our marriage. And finally I could see, he was my choice; I chose him. I chose to stay in the relationship and deal with all of his bad choices. I chose to try to make something work that was unworkable. I was operating out of one of the pillars of destruction (more on this in another post) – needy – I wanted a child at my age of 32 and it created a blind spot for me. Plus being of faith, I believed marriage was forever no matter what. Wrong…

I thought I had to be better, smarter, prettier, or something else to keep him interested in me only. In reality, he was a jerk. That was his choice, but it didn’t have to affect my life forever.

At that point in my life, I didn’t know the strength that I had within me. Instead, I would surround myself with people that kept reminding me I was a not enough, I would never be enough, and I was only a woman. This message was prevalent 50 years ago and was planted in the mind of women and was the norm of society in general.

Regardless of how it got there, the "You're not enough" message was planted by an external entity. It was not me. When that woman declared, “Well you chose him,” I was empowered with the knowledge that it was my own decision. But, why did I choose that? In that question was power and the continuation of my journey. I decided to get counsel to find out why I chose that destructive relationship. It took some time and lots of work in counseling to get my brain straight and learn what was inside me all along.

Over the course of those months I came to realize that each one of us has the right to our own dignity. No one has the right to overpower and control someone else through fear and force. As a parent, coach, leader or teacher, we offer choices, insights and information based on our own experience and knowledge. The individuals we attempt to guide, have the right and the power to choose to accept and follow or ignore our insight.

Fast forward to recent times, I went to a nightclub one night where my late husband, Ted, was playing drums. I sat down at the counter to enjoy his music and the waiter asked me, “What would you like?” 

“I’ll have a soda with lime.” I replied politely. The waiter replied, "there is a $5.00 minimum." I calmly replied, "Sir, I chose not to drink alcohol. It sounds like I don’t have a choice to be here and listen to my husband play drums unless I drink alcohol." His boss overheard me and quickly apologized. I put $20 on the bar and said, I always tip out of respect for the establishment. He apologized.

Restaurants have menus to empower the customer with the dignity of choice. A more appropriate way to handle the $5 minimum is to ask a question, “Are you aware there is a five dollar minimum?” Another way to present options would be, "There is a five dollar minimum, here is a menu of some savory treats you might like to go along with your soft drink." Educate people on their options and empower them with the power of choice.

In my own consulting practice, I clearly do not to pitch, pedal or push my services. simply said, presenting services for clients giving them the space to make their choices.  

The first step in a healthy client relationship is to ask: Who? What? When? Where? How? and Why?  That is: Who are you? What do you want? When do you want it? How do you want it? And why don’t you have it? This is a unique business approach and many people have never heard these words before. Most people are uncomfortable being pushed to buy something. As consultants, we can learn about our clients as people, teach them about their options, then teach them how to make choices based on facts, not opinions. 

Empowerment requires a distinction between what one has and what one does not have power over. I have no power over you. You have the power over yourself. As this article title states, Dignity lives in the power of choice. My objective as a coach and a consultant is to insight awareness. If you don’t know what your choices are, I can give you suggestions of various choices that you could make down your own road to success. I am diligent to always remain in a position of neutrality to enable collaboration and cooperation. I am not a dictator. I am a facilitator.

Consider the two examples below of an attempt to get together with someone.

“Let's get together.”
In this example, I have taken the power of choice away from the other person. I have imposed my desires to get together by saying "let's." The word "let’s" creates stress because it takes away one's dignity by denying them the power of choice.

Remember, the power of dignity lives in the power of choice. When I ask a question I am open to the space that you're in and sharing with you the power in our relationship. If your chosen answer doesn’t match my expectations, that doesn't mean you're wrong, and it doesn't mean that I am wrong. We can BOTH be right, and just disagree. If one person is right, and arguing that the other is wrong, there can be no relationship. This could lead to a breakdown in companies and relationships. When there is a right and wrong, there is no relationship. If both parties look at an issue and come to an understanding—to agree to disagree—then as a team they can work together and move forward.

The main objective of my consulting practice is to assist people in learning about their choices and discover for themselves:

• What they want (for their health, wealth and happiness)
• Where they want it
• How they want to get it
• How long they have to build for it

People tell me that they love the work I do because they are able to make the choices that suit their goals and their lifestyle. The beauty and dignity of it, is getting to design it for themselves through choice!